Sacre Bleu! My Dark Night of the Living Soul and How it Changed Me

Nobody died BUT... About six months before my 60th birthday, I replayed a devastating childhood trauma that caused a grieving process so deeply painful that I struggled to stay here. This went on for about two months. I was grieving my brother Tom's death by suicide that happened when I was 9 and he was 19. I also replayed other unspeakable childhood traumas during this grieving process. It was so painful and difficult, I turned to large amounts of flower teas, smoked chamomile and lavender flowers and took flower essences. I started smoking the flowers, because of my constant desire to nibble on food. I noticed that rolling the cigs and smoking them kept me in the moment and was so helpful when the pain went far too deep. I would smoke one, lean back and just relax. It felt so good. I also started smoking the flowers, because of my desire for more beer and sometimes edibles. This curbed my appetite for too many snacks, beer and edibles. Once I got past this terrible time of deep, deep grief, I noticed things were different. I was different. Not sure if this new me was going to stick, I waited, so now I can make it official and say with complete confidence: My grieving process has brought me to a new stage in life- just in time for my 60th birthday- consistently calm and happy. Others will have a tough time breaking into my happy place and stealing my joy. I am a new person and almost always feel a steady stream of calm and happy. This means I have less of the following: irritation, anxiety, hurt easily by others, PTSD symptoms, etc.

However, I did receive some bad news about my teeth and immediately made the decision to swear off alcohol, sweets, edibles and smoking flowers. Since then, I have never looked back and haven't missed them once. Of course, I do have an occasional Heineken Zero, or other nonalcoholic beer. I'll always be into hops (flowers).

Ode to Billie Joe -Bibbie Gentry live 1968